How do I deal with a Mummy’s boy?

I’m in a relationship with a 30 year-old guy who’s a complete Mummy’s boy and it’s driving me crazy! We’ve been going out for 2 years and initially I thought it was cute that he was so close with his mother. However over time, it’s become so annoying because I constantly come second to her. She’s a very strong personality and loves telling everyone what to do. He goes to her for advice about everything, if we have a fight he’ll tell her all about it and he’ll change our plans sometimes so he can help her out. We always have to go over and have a Sunday evening meal with her, and he has certain family traditions over Xmas and New Year’s that he’s not prepared to compromise on. We’ve just moved in together, and she rings nearly every day, and has dropped around unannounced on several occasions. What’s my next move with him?

You’ve got a fight on your hands here. This is a role that he’s played with his mother all his life. He’s never stood up to her and constantly looks to her for support and advice. She also seems happy with how much influence she has in his life. It works for them – but not for you. The key to addressing this is to realize it’s not about whether the mother can change – but rather can he let go of the need to please her. If he can’t, then buckle in for a rough ride. She’s always going to be more important to him than you. However, if he can modify his relationship with her, then it’s game on. Talk to him about the exact behaviours that create problems and how they make you feel (e.g. going to her for advice, talking about your problems with her, compulsory Sunday dinners, her coming around unannounced etc.) Ask him if he’s prepared to do things differently, and make it clear what you want different. This is a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ situation. Either he can or he can’t. If the answer is yes, then come to an agreement of how you want to manage things and then deal with his Mum differently as a team (Sunday dinner only once a month, no more daily phone calls, no more surprise visits etc.) If he’s not prepared to do this, you have your answer and you’re better off ending it now and meeting someone who doesn’t needs Mummy’s approval for everything.

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