Can we recover from an affair?

I’ve been in my marriage for 10 years and I’ve recently been caught out cheating by my wife. We’ve been having problems for some time now - I work long hours and drink too much, she looks after our two kids, and we spend virtually no time together anymore. It seems like all we talk about now is the kids and I’m always being given instructions about what I should be doing around the house. 2 months ago she found texts on my phone and got into my email account and read some emails from a woman I’ve been seeing at work. I initially denied everything but eventually I caved in and confessed. I’ve been having an affair for 6 months and have now ended it to try and save my marriage. The problem is, it’s hard to move forward when all she wants to do is ask me graphic questions about the past. I’m trying to be a better husband but we can’t seem to get past this. Do you think a couple can recover from an affair?

Yes, relationships can recover from an affair but certain steps need to be followed for this occur. Before this happens, you need to realize that you’re going to have to jump through some hoops – she has the power here not you. Firstly, you need to cut all contact with your mistress – and can I suggest a change of jobs might be in order here to help this along! As well, you must show complete remorse and empathy for your actions. What impact do you think this has had on the people around you and how has it made them feel (your wife, kids, friends, family)? You need to front up and answer all the questions she has for you. If you dodge these, she’ll think you’re hiding something and she won’t trust you. This can go on for a long period – so get used to it. You also need to be transparent with your behaviour and become accountable. At anytime, agree that she can see your phone, emails, bank statements, phone bills – anything. Also, be contactable, punctual and follow through with plans and promises. Finally, make a time to go and see a professional together to talk through your relationship problems (work hours, drinking, parenting roles, communication styles, lack of time together). By taking these steps you have a chance of re-building trust and moving your relationship in a totally different direction. Make no mistake, there’s no guarantees, but if you want her, you need to make your marriage the number one priority in your life from now on.

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