“Do you find that you constantly talk to others about your ex?”
“Are you guilty of still trying to catch up with their friends and family?”
“Have you found yourself avoiding having sex or turning down dates
with new love interests?”
“Do you keep hanging around your ex’s favourite bars, clubs and social places?”
“Can you spend a lot of time thinking and fantasising about your ex?”
“Would you take your ex back in a heartbeat if you had the chance?”
Being consumed with an ex can come in many forms, but the end result is always the same – you end up living in the past and letting time pass you by. It can consume you day and night, take away your powers of concentration, and affect your day to day functioning.
Your friends will try and be supportive in the early stages, but after awhile they’ll start to get frustrated with you and try to get you to move forward. Rather than moving on, you tend to dig your toes in and hold on in the hope that something might change and you can get them back.
Well if you’re stuck in this vicious cycle, you need to force yourself to start doing things differently to break ‘hanging on patterns’. In time, these new habits will allow you to let go and make yourself available again for falling in love.
5 tips to getting over your ex:
1) Cut all contact with ex
To let go of your ex, you need to commit to ending all contact with your ex. Delete them from your phone, no more emails, texts, or letters. Stop catching up with them for coffees, movies, drinks or gym sessions. You need to go ‘cold turkey’ and force yourself to get them out of your life. Take it one day at a time, and soon this will turn into a week and then a month.
2) Dissect and re-write the relationship
It’s important to put your past relationship into perspective so that you can move forward. Sit down with a trusted friend and answer the following questions “What was wrong about your ex?”; “What were the warning signs I had about this person?”; “What baggage did they bring into the relationship that made it so difficult?”; “What do you want different from your next partner?” “What makes you so good at relationships?” This will allow you to make new meaning of what happened and get you focused on the future rather than blaming yourself for the past.
3) Stop ‘hanging on’ behaviours
It’s time to end all those behaviours that allow you to hang on to your ex. This includes contacting their family and friends, going to their favourite social places, being at the gym at the same time, and driving by their apartment. You also need to stop constantly looking at photos, reading old texts and emails, and going to them for help, support or reassurance. Create new routines and habits and get a new outcome.
4) Stop bringing up the past
Talking about your ex constantly not only keeps you in the past, but it also burns out your friends who are tired of hearing about them! As well, potential love interests are simply going to walk the other way, rather than be compared to an ex that you’re clearly not over. Make a pact now and force yourself to never talk about them with anyone again. If someone asks you about them – tell them you don’t live in the past anymore and you’re looking for better things now in your life.
5) Pursue new interests and goals
When you’re caught up in the past you’ll put on hold your own hopes and dreams, and hang on to the fantasy that your ex might come back and you can do this together. Forget it. That’s the past and this is now. Get clear on any interests or goals you may have as a single person and go after them (e.g. travel overseas, learn new language, get fit, live in new city, change jobs, get a make-over, practice yoga).
For more advice and free relationship tips go to www.johnaikenadvice.com