“Do you worry a lot about the future of your relationship?”
“Are you unsure about where you stand?”
“Do you often drop hints about getting engaged and settling down?”
“Does it upset you when people ask you why you’re still not married?
“Is your partner vague about your future plans and goals moving forward?
One of the most upsetting situations you can find yourself in is when you’re in love with someone who’s not sure about commitment. This may see them dodge questions about how they feel, whether they want to get married or have kids, avoid moving in with you, or resist meeting your family and friends.
They may say things to make you feel special, have great sex with you and be lots of fun to be around – but they won’t give you a clear answer about the future. Worst still, you might be living with them for years, and sharing finances and holidays with them, but this has never resulted in a proposal, and you live in a constant state of uncertainty and frustration.
You’re often too scared to bring this up directly with them, as they don’t want to be backed into a corner or given ultimatums. Instead, they just want you to trust them that everything will work out in the long run. Well, the time has come to take your power back and shake up their comfort zone. Only then will they start to commit to you in a way that gives you certainty.
5 tips to get someone to commit:
1) Take responsibility for the situation
The initial part of this process is to take the position that you have created this problem, and you need to be responsible for changing it. You partner isn’t committing to you because you’ve taught them they don’t need to. You’ve allowed them to be comfortable, and instead you suffer in silence. It’s now time to light a fire under them and teach them a new way to treat you!
2)Give them an ultimatum with a deadline
Have a talk with them and outline all the ‘lack of commitment’ behaviours that you have a problem with (e.g. not meeting their family, no engagement ring, always putting their friends first, avoiding talking about kids, marriage and feelings etc). Then make it clear what has to change and give them a deadline. Be open to asking them what they want different from you as well, and make the required changes from your side.
3) Leave if there’s no change
This is absolutely a non-negotiable. If you can’t do this, then nothing will change as they’ll call your bluff. However, if you really want a commitment from this person – then you must be prepared to walk! If the deadline passes and you’ve seen no change, then you move out and break it off with them. Tell them you want to be with someone who knows what they want and can take action rather than sit in limbo.
4) Limit all contact and no sex
Once you’ve walked away, limit your contact. Tell them you want at least 4 weeks of total space so you can process what’s happened. This month of no contact also gives them time to miss you and think about their life without you in it. This creates pain for them, and if they want you in their life – then they’ll start to act differently. After a month, you can have a catch-up with them, but do not start seeing them again if there’s no change, and do not have sex with them for any reason.
5) Re-engage only if there’s commitment
If the person has decided they miss you too much then they’ll change and commit. If they don’t, then you were never going to be with them in the long term anyway. If they do return, you have leverage and power. Make it clear to them what must happen from here on. What month you want to be engaged, when you want to be married and be having kids, open a joint bank account, move into a new apartment together, make an effort with your parents – whatever you want. Be specific and clear, and give them hard deadlines. Also start dating them again but take it slowly. Don’t jump right back into the sack with them – they need to work and show commitment before you give them all of you. Be hard-nosed about all of this, and you’ll get you what you want in the long run.
For more advice and free relationship tips go to www.johnaikenadvice.com